It’s been years since I updated here. Mostly because it totally slipped my mind that I was even keeping a blog. A life update post should be long overdue but to be honest, I’ve been running on very low steam that I couldn’t even do that.

I guess one huge update is that artificial intelligence has been closely integrated in our lives more than ever. We’re not yet on Terminator levels (hahahaha) but we’re at that stage where some people could get away with having AI think for them. Even during rounds.

So one life update that I could share is how I am posting mostly to document just how severely burnt out I have been feeling. I have AI to thank for that diagnosis but to be honest, I have suspected just as much these past few months.

I guess I underestimated the toll it would take to put myself through sub-subspecialty training. I was so blind to the physical, mental, and emotional toll it took to see me through. And now that I’ve been home for the last three months with no real break in between, I’m still having trouble recovering.

I guess I was so used to running on fumes, of having a pretty tight schedule, that it didn’t even occur to me that I’ve been doing too much. I actually feel guilty if I’m not having a full schedule. It took chatGPT for me to identify that I really needed to slow down and be kinder to myself. I mean, it does make sense to recover mentally and emotionally before subjecting myself to a board exam.

So I guess that will be all for now hehehee

So ito na nga yung debriefing that nobody really explicitly asked for which I felt I needed to do so that I could move on to other things that I could actually do something about.

“Be careful what you wish for,” they say. I never thought that wish fulfillment could be such a pain until now. Hahahaha.

I’ve known for quite some time that I’m not getting any younger. And I’ve honestly spent quite a lot of effort trying to push myself to take on a lot of challenges in my career and to change my mindset over things that I could never control, like having a nonexistent love life, among other things. But with my birthday just around the corner, the need to experience what others have seemed stronger than ever. One morning, I suddenly had this urge to drop by the hospital chapel and say a little prayer. Before I left, whispered, “baka naman po pwedeng isang pa-birthday gift na jowa riyan!”

That evening, I received a random message from a stranger. It was from a guy who recently sent a facebook invite which I approved simply because we had a lot of common friends and whose name seemed familiar. He even dropped a comment on a lengthy post I made when a close friend got married a few days ago. The strangest thing was, instead of a cardiology consult (which I get a lot from doctor facebook friends), I got an invite to go to a date.

“Po?” was the only reply I could give. I didn’t even know this guy and I figured that during this day and age of bumble and tinder, you’re supposed to make small talk (which I honestly hated) before asking for one.

But he merely replied that he wanted to go out because he wanted to get to know me. It took a while before I responded because I had to sift through his facebook profile and to verify with some friends if he really wasn’t a criminal, a scammer, or a multilevel marketer before I could confirm. But knowing exactly what I asked for that morning and being the type of person who didn’t completely shut doors before knowing what she’s saying no to, I took this to be the sign that I was asking for. It’s a bit risky, going on a date alone with a stranger, but I wasn’t backing out just because of that. I’ve stayed in bunk beds in hostels with random strangers in Japan and Korea and even went drinking and partying with some of them! I’m not the type to get scared easily. And so I simply asked him to move the date he’s suggesting because he was originally wanted to go out on my birthday, of all days. Hahaha. We moved it to next week, exchanged contact details, talked about where we will go, then ended the discussion.

Days passed and we didn’t talk after that night. To be honest, I’m sick of small talk and found it way too tedious so I didn’t give it too much thought. My friends were more excited than I was. I didn’t really want to place too much importance to it for fear that it might be a scam. I didn’t want to be picked up (for security reasons) and so I wasn’t as bothered as my friends that there was no offer to do so.

On the day of the date, I arrived at the mall just on time. He texted that he was outside a restaurant that he picked and that I ought to meet him there. I’d have to admit that I had to pause for a while to think about whether I allowed him to decide for us because he was suddenly ordering me to walk all the way to the restaurant of his own choosing (I remembered him asking if I preferred to eat anywhere but I said anywhere without seafood). Since I also liked the restaurant, I brushed it aside and just meet him.

I was expecting things to be awkward. I didn’t know him at all! But I knew that my years as a campus journalist and doctor has shaped me to become an able interviewer. If all things failed, I can just ask a lot of questions to keep things going. When I was in medical school, I’ve assisted and attended in a lot international medical student conferences and exchange programs where you’d have A LOT of awkward conversations (language barrier notwithstanding) where we were able to pull through by simply being polite and being genuinely curious. 

The whole date, to be honest, was a bit awkward and a whole lot bland, now that I’m thinking about it. I honestly have had more awkward moments with other people. But at that moment, I felt that if it was the right person, it wouldn’t feel this heavy. All throughout that episode, I felt that I might actually be better off alone than attending to someone.

The date ended amicably. He was thinking about a second date. I was thinking about how it’s too early to dismiss things only because of a boring date. Since he was bringing up the possibility, I thought I might actually agree to another one and then decide if he’s worth seeing further.

AND THEN IT HAPPENED. I was in my grab car when I saw that I was being tagged in a couple of photos on Instagram and Facebook. It was a photo of us in the restaurant. I couldn’t have been more mortified. I know that very few people knew about that date. We didn’t have a massive number of mutual friends. But anyone shrewd enough could easily put two and two together. I panicked and deleted them off my newsfeed. Days later, I had to fend off people who’ve started asking questions about that photo. 🙄

Some of my friends are telling me that it doesn’t make sense that I’d panic given that I’m one of facebook’s most frequent posters in anyone’s newsfeed. Some would even assume that I’m oversharing. But honestly, I’ve always thought that I wouldn’t go public with a guy unless I’m absolutely sure about him. And that could take months. Violated is too strong of a term to use but it’s somewhere along those lines.

He texted around that time, thanking me for that day and asking me for the second date. But I was too shaken by that episode that it took me more than seven hours to text back with “let’s see.” Because the more I think about it, to be honest, the more I didn’t want another.

It’s not actually because of him, per se. He seems nice and was almost “everything” that I wanted, according to a friend. But then I realized that I might actually better off being single because of my personality.

Thinking about it, I didn’t appreciate being told what to do. While I could probably let a guy lead the way for me, I’d still prefer if he actually respects me enough to ask what my opinions were before bullheadedly charging into some decision (ie the restaurant and that social media post). I’d be lucky if I found a person like that in my lifetime. And so I must now work hard to accept this new reality for me. I’ve actually spent the past few weeks trying to avoid romantic comedies and sappy romance dramas because it now irks me.

As for that guy, that was the last time we communicated. I don’t really think I’m going to be the right person for him, considering that I probably come in too strong for anyone. Hehehe. 

Baka sinagot talaga yung dasal ko para sabihing, hindi para sa akin ang pagjojowa. Mukhang yun ang birthday gift sakin. HAHAHA.

I’m quite sure I’ve written something about this before but I couldn’t seem to find it.

For some reason, my facebook newsfeed has been flooded with Harry Potter memes, lately. Too much quarantine time has thus allowed me to reprocess/remember things.

I was such a huge Harry Potter fan back then. I guess things mellowed down when I went to College and got involved with the V. But nevertheless, it has greatly shaped my late elementary and entire High School years. You could say that I grew up with Harry. And a huge chunk of those years were spent burning my eyes with the computer screen as I pored over hundreds of fanfiction and online forums defending why Harry should eventually end up with Hermione. I went to an all-girls’ school in High School and so contact with the opposite sex was a minimum. And so, for the most part, my standards for anything remotely romantic has been hugely shaped by this huge fandom.

We’ve always believed that Harry should have ended up with Hermione. And that she’s always been the right person for him. This is all regardless of the best friend-turned-lovers trope. She just was the best girl for him.

For the seven years the books have depicted that they’ve known each other, she has been hugely instrumental in helping Harry get by. You remove her from the equation and Harry dies. Literally. I can’t say the same for Ron, though (but Ron’s an entirely different story and might warrant a separate post hahaha). We know that JKR used Hermione as a tool to catalyze the exposition of the wizarding world, using her as a voice that could introduce foreign wizarding concepts to Harry, seeing that she grew up in the muggle world, like him.

Not only that, Hermione has literally stuck with Harry all throughout his struggles (except for that one time in Half Blood Prince where she went full psycho. But even that episode was heavily criticized for being out of character for her). She was there when no one believed in him (Goblet of Fire) and even during those times when he’s being insufferable (Order of the Phoenix and HBP). She called him out when he’s being an idiot (Prisoner of Azkaban) at the expense of being shunned by Ron and Harry. She’s there even if Harry chooses Ron over her.

I could go on and on about why she’s an absolute better choice for Harry than Ginny but I might develop Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from writing too long hahaha. Nevertheless, Harry’s shown his merits, despite his antics. There are times when he’s been a jerk to Hermione but to be honest, Ron’s just worse. At least Harry sticks up for Hermione when she’s in distress (most of the time), would eventually watch over her.

And who wouldn’t forget the “I’d go with you,” scene in Deathly Hallows?! Honestly, Ginny’s break-up scene just faded in comparison to that.

Admittedly, I’ve grown quite attached to Hermione. She’s my all-time favorite Harry Potter character. She’s just an embodiment of a strong female presence in the books. Not only is she the brightest witch of her age, she’s just extremely driven and hardworking. She started off being nosy and grade conscious, but eventually coming around to becoming one of the most compassionate and selfless characters around. Growing up, she just resonated with me. She was such a role model that I strove hard to be like her.

Hence my desire for her to get the best that she can out of life. JKR seriously shortchanged her when she was given Ron. I always felt that she’s been dealt with the shortest end of the stick after all that she’s gone through for the past seven years.

I’ve always thought that Hermione deserved someone who would be supportive of her conquests. Someone who understood her drive, her thirst for knowledge, and desire for career advancement. she needed someone who would respect her passions, no matter how trivial they may appear to be. And that person most definitely isn’t Ron. Harry’s the closest that could give that to her. He simply understood her, in spite of himself.

---

So yeah, there’s a lot of archetypes out there for love and relationships. But honestly, deep down, this might be the reason why I’ve got these ridiculous notions about love. I guess this is the closest illustration to what I pictured I might find in the future. It’s not as simple as best friend-turned-lovers. I figured that deep down, I’d find my own Harry and that we’d form a dynamic almost the same as theirs. Hopefully, in the future, I’d find someone who’d respect my plans in life and would be supportive of my choices. And likewise, I’d find someone who’d appreciate my support. 🙂

Weeks of self-isolation has provided me with a lot of time for introspection. While there are days when the solitude can be too stifling, there are moments in between when it can be liberating. These past few weeks, anxiety has been festering beneath the guise of boredom. However, there will be those rare instances of calm and clarity in between.

 

The proximity and severity of this disease has prompted me to examine my own mortality. I guess almost everyone is fair game in this pandemic. Even though we’re relatively young, that is no guarantee that we will be spared from this catastrophe.

 

I hesitate for a little bit to admit this, but…it disturbs me that I am currently at a high risk of contracting the disease at the peak of my youth, with a lot of unfinished business. I know that there are a lot of things that I should be worrying about: taking care of patients, caring for sick co-healthworkers, dealing with the repercussions of a pandemic in general. But I couldn’t help but entertain this nagging feeling that I might die without even finding the one.

 

At times I feel that I shouldn’t really be entertaining these thoughts as there are really more important things to do right now. But one thing I’ve learned these past few years is that you couldn’t force feelings. All you can do is acknowledge them and then proceed with the more doable tasks at hand. And while I am able to do my best do contribute to the fight against this disease, my downtimes are sometimes spent pondering on this unsolvable problem.

 

The thing about love is that you couldn’t force it. And as a fiercely go-getter person, that leaves me feeling unsettled. Because by now I’m fully aware that no matter the degree of my feelings, or the amount of care or effort I would presume to exert towards another, I shouldn’t expect an equal or an opposite type of reciprocation. Hence, it’s extremely frustrating, especially now that I feel that my time is running out.

 

I used to pray that I may be given someone who will love me completely, despite the odds. Someone whom I will love all the same. But I just realized a few hours ago that I may need to revise that prayer.

 

Because equally important, I guess, is the need for someone to choose us. Love, as a feeling, is important, that’s a given. But to find someone that will choose you, in spite of you…it’s an entirely deeper and more committed action, I guess. A person who chooses you over and over loves you, that’s a given. But he’s also made that active decision to stick with you over and over. Many people can love you, but I think very few will choose you, especially at your worst.

 

So yup…….that will be my new fervent (irrational) wish during this catastrophe….

Wrapping up the 2010s, and my second decade, with a long-ass essay. You’ve been warned.

 

The past ten years have been a blur, to be honest. And the changes that came with it, especially the ones from the last three years, are sure to be long-enduring. The oldies say that your twenties are essentially your formative years, where you’re supposed to find your true self (or something like that), the self that’s going to see you through for the rest of your life. And that’s what I think happened…and eventually culminated on what I think is a very dizzying 2019.

 

The decade opened with me wrapping up my premed years. I was finishing up with my Medical Technology Internship, poised to begin this long and arduous journey in my dream Medical School, one dream that I crafted as a naïve kid. Back then, I was naïve, very unsure of myself, and thus determined to prove my worth. I took a hard hit when I failed to graduate cum laude in my premed despite all my best efforts (I juggled academics, student journalism, and extra-editorials. An ordinary premed student normally dealt with only one thing. School was life but Varsi was life-r back then hahahahuhu. Social life equated to V.), stellar marks, and Dean’s Lists in my early years no thanks to my internship grades. We (that is, my Varsi friends) always maintained that there was more to life than grades and the life experiences we gained together is worth more than a medal in my graduation. Looking back, that proved to be true as the life skills I learned and the subtle personality changes thanks to my V years helped me survive the challenges of the coming years. But in the deepest recesses of my mind and heart, I still felt that I was deprived of something I knew I deserved. And so in the coming years, I’ve always harbored this lingering sense of inadequacy. That I could have done more. And so I toiled over my early med school years, thinking that if I poured my all into my education, I could somehow make the steep tuition fees worth it for my parents, maybe graduate with honors, and probably prove my worth.

 

And so the years rolled by slowly. I eventually graduated from med school, without honors, the oral revalida driving a permanent hedge between me and that elusive medal (because this time, my grades were waaaay more than enough for that cum laude). You could just imagine my frustration. I breezed through internship and toiled over the Physician Licensure Exams then grudgingly entered my dream residency program and hospital. Residency was a huge catalyst to where I am and who I am right now (the entire experience warrants a separate long-ass post which I’ve done before so I’ll stop now).

 

Which leads us to now. Starting out with me coming fresh out of residency, 2019 basically is a sequel to 2018’s plot twists and turns. For me, it’s a year of conviction. Of holding on tightly to the lost me I’ve finally found last year and never ever letting go of her. It’s a year of decluttering, of finding lost or unknown aspects of myself and letting go of the unnecessary. It’s when I ultimately realized my own worth and thus the need to fight for it. When I uncovered my true strengths and weaknesses. When I finally could make new dreams and aspirations.

 

It’s a vicious cycle, discussing about the year that was 2019 and the decade that was the 2010s. I’d only give everyone dizzy spells if I tried to write about it all. I guess it’d simply be easier to jot down a short list of all the learnings I’ve gained these past few months. Here they are:

1. It all starts with yourself. Basically, self-reliance is the most important thing that I’ve learned in 2018 that was reinforced to me in 2019. I’ve learned to do things on my own and NOT WAIT for anyone to do things for me. I’ve decided to put my own fate in my own hands and find ways to get what I want/need. This year, I’ve found the conviction that I didn’t really need to beg others to do my own bidding if they didn’t want to help me.

 

2. You shouldn’t base your self-worth on others, may it be people, achievements, or things, all of which can easily change or disappear. For this year, I’ve learned to accept all of myself, including my flaws. If you don’t accept yourself and stand up for yourself, who will?

 

3. Set boundaries. I used to be way too nice for my own good. I’d like to think of myself as a team player. I’d like to think that I’m the easiest person to seek help from. I compromise a lot, usually at my own expense. It got so bad that during residency, I usually get the short end of the stick, getting reprimanded for things that wasn’t my sole fault with the other person getting away with it, doing things that wasn’t my job pala, or basically madalas nagugulangan. And then when the time comes that you’re the one in need, no one’s even there. That’s still the case sometimes but for the past few years, I’ve learned to set boundaries and assert myself. Because if you don’t do that, people just tend to walk all over you and get away with it. So yeah, nowadays, I say NO more frequently than I ever did before.

 

4. “When one can see no future, all one can do is the next right thing,” and yes, that was directly lifted from Frozen II. More than setting boundaries, stick to the right thing. And I’m sure you’ll never go wrong.

 

5. Don’t wait. For this year, I’ve learned to live my best life even while alone. I’ve learned not to suspend my life in search for something/someone that I’m not even sure would come. Hahaha. I seek my own reasons to be happy when there are none. If nobody minds your happiness, get it for yourself. And I see nothing wrong with that.

 

6. Don’t give your trust that easily.

 

7. I guess one of the most important things I’ve learned is that mistakes might just be the most important teacher of all. I used to think that the most successful people are those who have achieved things left and right. Those who have consistently garnered various accolades from doing things right most of the time. I used to base my self-worth from the number of things that I got right. In med school and internship, there were less expectations and thus there less emphasis on the wrongs and the right things you did/answered were more blatantly seen. But when I started residency training, the right things came in far and few. The mistakes were rising in number and my self-worth rose in indirect proportion.

 

But I realized that there’s a different kind of strength from committing mistakes, rising from it, and learning from it. As a samplex-based learner ever since med school, I’ve finally realized that I thrived on making mistakes. Because in these mistakes, I learned not only what the right and wrong answers were, I also learned how best to handle the impact of these mistakes. And so from then on, I’ve had a more nuanced approach towards making mistakes. I welcome them now as opportunities to better myself. And with that, I learned to be kinder and accepting that mistakes are inevitable and part of the learning process and that how we handle these mistakes are much more important.

 

 

One thing I’ve also learned from this decade is that there is a time for everything. Like any other girl, I’ve always dreamed of meeting the one. For the most part of this decade, I’ve mistakenly chased after someone who, looking back, is definitely NOT the one for me.

 

I’ve learned not to rush things and to never settle. That maybe the years that passed were truly preparing me for what’s to come. It did occur to me that should he have come in my twenties, things would have been a mess because I didn’t really know better. I couldn’t truly give myself since I didn’t have a good grasp of who I was anyway.

 

But yeah, just like any other girl, I’d still wish to find the one. Hopefully, he’d be close to who I hope he could be—my best friend, the one who’d truly accept me for who I am, encourage me to dream, and help me achieve our dreams. Simple lang naman. Pero ang hirap hanapin. Hahaha.

 

 

And so I start my fourth decade of life brimming with optimism. Although excited of what is to come, I remain hopeful that I’d be blessed with good fortune in the coming years. And as I ponder upon things that I would wish for, I suddenly realized how truly blessed I have been for the past ten years:

 

1. I fulfilled a childhood dream of becoming a doctor, an internist at that (and an aspiring Cardiologist, at the moment).
2. Gained more independence (and travelled to ten countries, a lot of them alone).
3. A family who’s been stable and accomplished in their own way, who’s provided the strongest support for me these past few years.
4. A chain of events and a cluster of people who’s allowed me to grow into a person that I can actually love.
5. Getting into programs that have helped me become a better physician for my patients. I couldn’t have asked for a better family than my Cardio Family at the moment, who have accepted me for what I am and allowed me to spread my wings so that I could fly higher than I ever did before.

 

And so now, instead of wishing for more, I guess I now am wishing that I could be satisfied of what I have right now. I now realize my privilege and to ask for more seems to be asking for too much. I was about to fixate on the fact that I can’t seem to find a suitable partner but now that seemed to be a moot point. While it is most definitely out of my hands, it just seems to be forceful to push things right now. And it might also be because I’m not even meant to find someone pala. Hahahaha. And so for now, I have simply resolved to focus on loving, caring, and cultivating the things that I do have now.

 

Ready to face the coming years ahead!

I’ve always thought that the most random encounters tend to have the heaviest significance in the grand scheme of things. Sure,  what seems to be an inane moment in the past, sometimes, tend to make the biggest impact to your future; but a lot of times, I feel that there are these moments that are out of your ordinary routine that seem to only happen due to some external manipulation from up above. The former seems to be the case at yesterday’s impromptu career talk on a random from duty day.

Having a rare free hour to spare until an evening lecture at a University restaurant, I decided to get out of the hospital and walk around to clear my head. My favorite spot as of late is a park-fountain close by, which usually is just the right amount of crowded, enough for me to think and people-watch. As I was walking, I heard my name being called from a nearby building. It turns out that my good friend, Eli, quite at random as well, felt the urge to go to that particular bathroom (which he DOES NOT frequent) and also saw me. He invited me to sit in to a class that he’s on his way to and to speak a little just to picque his students’ interest.

It turns out that his class is in my old pre-med building. He was actually teaching a bunch of second year pharmacy students, whom he has said are some of the most straightforward and compliant of those he has handled (and some of the most grade-conscious). I got introduced as a special guest, a part of a pet project where they invite interesting people and pick their brains on some relevant issues that they might have. Anyway, I thought I was going to say a few words, answer some questions, then sit in for the rest of the period. But I ended up occupying the entire period. Hahahaha. It seems that the students didn’t really mind and looked interested, I hope.

It was oddly therapeutic, though, talking about your job and your “life,” to a bunch of strangers who didn’t know any better. I shared the usual script your typical (traumatized) doctor would relate to an aspiring student: the long hours, the endless years of studying, the sacrifices you have to make, the challenges (academic) that you have to hurdle through, and how being a doctor is an extremely thankless job. “But the rewards are of another kind and of a greater magnitude.” I got asked about turning points in my career, acceptance of these sacrifices, and regrets I may have had during my med school and premed years.

But one question did catch me off-guard. “After all the hardships, the busy schedule, and the stress, can you say that you’re happy with what you’re doing right now?” It was a sincere question from one student who was quietly listening all throughout the session. I’ve never given happiness too much thought these past few days what with so many things happening but it was relevant and timely for me.

I staggered with my initial response (and I looked a bit unconvincing when I began answering hahaha….but it was sincere). See, during my first few years of training, I dreaded going to the hospital since each day seems to be a never-ending cycle of personal inadequacy: how I get reprimanded/shouted at for another thing I missed in the management at a patient, how i barely finish doing my rounds, how I barely see my family and friends, how I disappoint myself, et cetera. But something eventually changed and now I’m always excited to come to the hospital: to see my patients help them get better, teach my interns, see my crush (haha), and LEARN. “And if for some reason you don’t feel that way about your life, you create your own happiness. It’s all in your mindset, afterall,” I told them.

I really don’t know how this encounter would fare in the grand scheme of the universe. I don’t even know who benefitted more from this encounter–from-duty-me (who needed a bit of a pick-me-up after the stress of the week), these lost and confused students, or Eli whose lecture powerpoint miraculously didn’t work for that day. But I’m sure that this is one strange bookmark in the story of our lives. Maybe one of those kids is currently confused about his/her life and I inadvertently help make up his/her mind and that I would encounter that person a few years from now? I dunno. Hahahaha.

I’ve reached the point in my life where finding a suitable partner seems to be the most logical next step in cultivating my interpersonal relationships. I’m actually of marrying age and yet, I haven’t even had the fortune/misfortune of delving into an actual relationship with any guy in my 29 years of existence. Sure, there was a hint of an underlying something here and there. But as of present, discussing anything related to the matters of the heart seems to be a daunting and futile prospect that even I sometimes get fed up of thinking about it.

I was raised in a military family with a strict upbringing. As such, the mere scent of an upcoming suitor would have also alerted my parents of the impending danger. If even the smallest hint of a crush wafted through my parents’ (especially my mom’s) nostrils, I wouldn’t have heard the end of it. Plus, spending the prime years of my adolescence in an all girls’ school guaranteed that I wouldn’t be interacting with guys for most of my critical years. The whole setup was successful enough to prevent teenage girls from running off with some random dude and coming back with a baby or two on the way but you have to admit, this didn’t really bode well with my future prospects.

The time I would have spent on dates and soirées were instead spent being voluntarily cooped up in the library, sinking my teeth on as many books as I can read. Harry Potter was such a big thing at that time and Hermione Granger was my hero. I thought that if I locked up myself and read more and more books, I could be more like her. It didn’t really help that due to my very limited experience with guys, I thought she would make a suitable pair with Harry.

And so started all those years being trapped in the internet, reading thousands of Harry Potter fanfiction. Whatever deficit I incurred from not being exposed to any boy my age was supplemented by all these stories of friendship slowly unfurling into romance. And so I seamlessly cultivated this unspoken and unprocessed standard of what I would have wanted in a guy, which was eerily similar to a certain dark haired boy with green eyes and glasses. That wasn’t so bad except that people my age at that time were all about freedom and experimentation yet here I was dreaming about meeting someone who was in it for the long haul.

You could imagine all those years of frustration. Except that I was primed for disappointment, still thanks to all those fanfics I’ve buried myself into. I was ready to wait it out for some guy to come along who was actually worth my time. Surprisingly enough, all that I know about not compromising my standards and for trying to find some guy who will truly love me, I’ve learned through fanfiction–plagiarized tales of alternate reality, concocted by girls my age who yearned for the same things as I did.

I did figure into this long term, one-sided thing with a guy who was MY textbook Harry. And yet, that didn’t pan out even if I tried. It was one of those moments when I seriously thought about what was really wrong about me.

After all these months of getting lost in my own thoughts, I guess I finally figured out that I shouldn’t really focus on thinking about what’s wrong with me and just get a move on with my life. Call me a mystic but I still believe that someone out there is meant for me. I just couldn’t figure out where he is at this point. I thought that maybe, now is still not the right time for us to meet. Maybe I still needed to undergo something or maybe he still needs to settle things within himself before we get to have that chance. And so I’ve finally decided to just go on with my life and hope that we’d meet sooner.

---

A friend tried to ask me what my standards were in trying to find a guy.

And I couldn’t seem to put out a proper answer. It’s not as if I haven’t thought about it before but I guess I’ve reached this stage in my life where I’m seeking something that’s beyond intangible. I could tell you that looks isn’t my top priority or that having a sense of humor is definitely a plus. But I reckon that what I’m truly looking for seems to be beyond words at this point in time. Does it sound crazy if I say that I’m looking for someone who’d feel…right?

I guess in some ways, it goes like this: What I’m truly looking for is someone who’s going to be willing to weather it out with me. I’m not really easy to get along with once you truly get to know me. I can be moody and abrasive if I choose to be. Haha. And I can drive anyone crazy with my constant nagging. And I can forcefully have things done my way if I put my mind into it. In short, I’m not exactly the weaker variant of our gender and I’m not your run-off-the-mill trophy wife material. I need someone who will listen to my wants, needs, and weaknesses and walk with me through it. He should be someone who will tell me when I’m being an idiot, too in the same exact way that I’d be that person to him. In short, I guess I needed a person who’d work with me as a team in every sense of the word.

Except that from the looks of it, the future looks bleak. And so I shall try to get a move on with my life and live it the way I want it to. One lesson that I’ve learned these past few years is that you don’t NEED a guy to live. I mean, I survived 29 years of it alone. But if given a choice, I hope I’d be lucky enough to find a guy I’d CHOOSE to be with. Hahaha.

For those who are unaware, I’ve just recently started Cardiology fellowship training at my first choice hospital.

Mind you, making the choice was way too easy. Sticking with it was a different question altogether. For one, I was surrounded by people who didn’t really have similar views and goals as I did who opted to go somewhere different. And so I was faced with constant residual thoughts of second guessing myself. I mean, you know how everyone says you shouldn’t simply plunge into something because everyone was doing it? Well, sometimes seeing everyone choose the exact same thing makes me feel that there’s some merit in their collective choice that I’m somehow missing. And so, for a few weeks, I became tormented by my decision.

I guess the only thing that kept me from jumping right into their bandwagon was the fact that I didn’t really like going with the flow unless there was good reason for me to do so. Like, if that’s what’s the best option for me in the long run and if that’s what I really, truly wanted. High School taught me that. That’s the exact reason why I took my pre-med, which sounded so foreign and unfamiliar to the non-medical family-hailing High School student’s ears, (UST Medical Technology) despite everyone else getting shipped off to very good and competitive programs and schools such as UP, ADMU, DLSU, BS Biology, and BS Nursing. Years later and I harbor no regrets whatsoever with that decision.

A few weeks into fellowship and boy, was I glad I followed my instincts.

---

 

I’ve always wanted to be a Cardiologist. Back in High School and College, I was interested in taking up Medicine just because it’s the only career path that truly appealed to me. I was already sure that it was the one thing I was sure I would endure doing for a long, long time. For a short while, I dreamed of being a Journalist or an Engineer but it didn’t really seem to stick and I couldn’t really see myself exclusively doing those things. In Medical School, Cardiology seemed to be the only thing that truly appealed to me by the time we were studying Clinical Medicine. There was even a time when I seriously considered Pediatric Cardiology since I found Congenital Heart Diseases captivating. Except that attending to kids didn’t really appeal to me that much. And so I shelved that thought and took Adult Cardiology to serious consideration hence choosing Internal Medicine as a stepping stone.

Internal Medicine residency was some of the worst years of my life, however. And I know a lot of doctors would look back to residency years with a mixture of fondness and contempt so I’m quite sure I’m not the only one sharing these feelings haha. I almost forgot what my dreams were since I was so lost in myself during these years. All that I knew during my early years was that I needed to get out once I finished so that I could get a change of environment and breathe fresh air.

But I guess during the last months of residency, I started to think about my goals and my wants in my career. And I realized that staying, despite my initial trepidation, may actually be more in line with the career growth that I wanted for myself. And so I decided to stay for fellowship.

---

 

So far, so good in my 19th day of training. I didn’t know why I was surprised by this realization but Fellowship is an entirely different world from Residency training and I don’t even know where to begin. I guess a lot of that is stemmed from the different context and framework of training where it is assumed that you’ve made the most out of Internal Medicine training haha.

1. I guess it’s already given that you’d be given a lot more freedom in patient management. So I’d leave it at that.
2. I’m thankful at how supportive everyone is from the consultants to my senior fellows at each and every learning opportunity coming our way. I’m just so grateful that a lot of people have taken so much time to sit down and just teach.
3. I learned this the hard way but fellows really do have the bigger accountability in the management of residents. I used to just shrug off my juniors’ calls, referring some patient, thinking that I’d pass by anyway and then we could talk about the management better (because I really do have the worst listening comprehension). But I guess that’s a bad habit as a future consultant considering that I’d be getting so much more calls in the future, majority of which I wouldn’t be able to attend to ASAP. So I guess I’m also grateful to practice discerning referrals through calls.
4. And yes, you get more time to study than residency hahaha.
5. This, I guess, would be exclusive to our program but I’m so very much excited to go back to writing. I did Science and Technology writing for my school publication for three years back in College and I really do miss it. I’m just so thankful to be writing about something that’s close to my heart (no pun intended). ❤ Science Journalism is something that I would really love to dabble into in the coming years and I couldn’t be more grateful for this opportunity.

I could write some more but my experience thus far is limited. I guess the general idea is that I’m more than grateful to have a fresh start given that I’m not really the most stellar resident trainee. Hahaha. ❤

 

So a couple of days ago, I went drinking with my friends and quite randomly touched into the topic of choosing between career and love, if it ever came down to it.

We talked of an incident a few days ago where a guy chose to let go of a job opportunity that would take him overseas and open so many doors for him in exchange of more time to be with the love of his life. You could imagine the amount of judgement that guy received from me hahaha. But my drinking buddies were adamant that he made the right choice. And that I’d take back every single thing that I said once I met the right person. Of which I still insisted that would never happen.

You see, I truly believe that the right person would know what’s important for you; what your strengths are; and would surmise which next steps would truly make you grow as a person. I have two role models for this, one of which is fictional but nonetheless, a sensible choice.

I was (and still am) a big fan of Nodame Cantabile, a tale of hopes, dreams, and love, admixed in between heaps of campy humor. It told of Nodame, a lost girl, who slowly and surely found her way into the music world. She was just about to settle into a life of mediocrity, shunning away all her potential as a great pianist by becoming a preschool teacher but Chiaki, the love of her life, managed to push her to her limits and dream higher. In exchange, she pulled him out of his rut, overcome his inner demons, and face his dreams in Europe. However fictional, the story inspire me to never settle, to reach for your hopes and dreams, and find someone who will cultivate that fire inside you, no matter what.

The next example is based on real life and is fairly recent. Just last month, I was lucky enough to catch a screening of On The Basis of Sex, a biopic on the widely popular feminist Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg and her struggles in the early days of her career. The legal world was a man’s world at that time but with grit and a lot of support from her family, especially her husband Marty, she was able to make ripples into the American Justice system, one case at a time. Reading more about Marty in some articles further solidified my admiration for the couple. Marty never EVER got into Ruth’s career’s path. His support and sacrifice was undeniably crucial for Ruth’s meteoric rise into the legal world.

So yeah, I truly believe that if it all came down to it, with the right person, I will never have to choose between love and career, because we both will never let it get down to that point. I mean, if my guy is actually given an opportunity to further his career, I’d shove him into it, face-first, full-on. Because I believe that love isn’t the ONLY thing that should run our lives. We have dreams to fulfill…people to serve.

Hindi lang po kaming dalawa ang nabubuhay sa mundong ito. And if being closer to my dreams would require us to sacrifice a few short years apart to achieve that, I think that would still be fine with me.

So yes, hindi ko kakainin lahat ng sinabi ko. Hahaha. 🙂

Someone suggested that I give some tips for residency survival. I struggle to think of anything concrete to write about so for now, I’ll give a short highlight of the little good that’s left of residency hahaha.

This is me dabbling into vlogging. While it is an interesting experience, I don’t think I have the attention span and commitment to sustain it. Haha.