So ito na nga yung debriefing that nobody really explicitly asked for which I felt I needed to do so that I could move on to other things that I could actually do something about.

“Be careful what you wish for,” they say. I never thought that wish fulfillment could be such a pain until now. Hahahaha.

I’ve known for quite some time that I’m not getting any younger. And I’ve honestly spent quite a lot of effort trying to push myself to take on a lot of challenges in my career and to change my mindset over things that I could never control, like having a nonexistent love life, among other things. But with my birthday just around the corner, the need to experience what others have seemed stronger than ever. One morning, I suddenly had this urge to drop by the hospital chapel and say a little prayer. Before I left, whispered, “baka naman po pwedeng isang pa-birthday gift na jowa riyan!”

That evening, I received a random message from a stranger. It was from a guy who recently sent a facebook invite which I approved simply because we had a lot of common friends and whose name seemed familiar. He even dropped a comment on a lengthy post I made when a close friend got married a few days ago. The strangest thing was, instead of a cardiology consult (which I get a lot from doctor facebook friends), I got an invite to go to a date.

“Po?” was the only reply I could give. I didn’t even know this guy and I figured that during this day and age of bumble and tinder, you’re supposed to make small talk (which I honestly hated) before asking for one.

But he merely replied that he wanted to go out because he wanted to get to know me. It took a while before I responded because I had to sift through his facebook profile and to verify with some friends if he really wasn’t a criminal, a scammer, or a multilevel marketer before I could confirm. But knowing exactly what I asked for that morning and being the type of person who didn’t completely shut doors before knowing what she’s saying no to, I took this to be the sign that I was asking for. It’s a bit risky, going on a date alone with a stranger, but I wasn’t backing out just because of that. I’ve stayed in bunk beds in hostels with random strangers in Japan and Korea and even went drinking and partying with some of them! I’m not the type to get scared easily. And so I simply asked him to move the date he’s suggesting because he was originally wanted to go out on my birthday, of all days. Hahaha. We moved it to next week, exchanged contact details, talked about where we will go, then ended the discussion.

Days passed and we didn’t talk after that night. To be honest, I’m sick of small talk and found it way too tedious so I didn’t give it too much thought. My friends were more excited than I was. I didn’t really want to place too much importance to it for fear that it might be a scam. I didn’t want to be picked up (for security reasons) and so I wasn’t as bothered as my friends that there was no offer to do so.

On the day of the date, I arrived at the mall just on time. He texted that he was outside a restaurant that he picked and that I ought to meet him there. I’d have to admit that I had to pause for a while to think about whether I allowed him to decide for us because he was suddenly ordering me to walk all the way to the restaurant of his own choosing (I remembered him asking if I preferred to eat anywhere but I said anywhere without seafood). Since I also liked the restaurant, I brushed it aside and just meet him.

I was expecting things to be awkward. I didn’t know him at all! But I knew that my years as a campus journalist and doctor has shaped me to become an able interviewer. If all things failed, I can just ask a lot of questions to keep things going. When I was in medical school, I’ve assisted and attended in a lot international medical student conferences and exchange programs where you’d have A LOT of awkward conversations (language barrier notwithstanding) where we were able to pull through by simply being polite and being genuinely curious. 

The whole date, to be honest, was a bit awkward and a whole lot bland, now that I’m thinking about it. I honestly have had more awkward moments with other people. But at that moment, I felt that if it was the right person, it wouldn’t feel this heavy. All throughout that episode, I felt that I might actually be better off alone than attending to someone.

The date ended amicably. He was thinking about a second date. I was thinking about how it’s too early to dismiss things only because of a boring date. Since he was bringing up the possibility, I thought I might actually agree to another one and then decide if he’s worth seeing further.

AND THEN IT HAPPENED. I was in my grab car when I saw that I was being tagged in a couple of photos on Instagram and Facebook. It was a photo of us in the restaurant. I couldn’t have been more mortified. I know that very few people knew about that date. We didn’t have a massive number of mutual friends. But anyone shrewd enough could easily put two and two together. I panicked and deleted them off my newsfeed. Days later, I had to fend off people who’ve started asking questions about that photo. 🙄

Some of my friends are telling me that it doesn’t make sense that I’d panic given that I’m one of facebook’s most frequent posters in anyone’s newsfeed. Some would even assume that I’m oversharing. But honestly, I’ve always thought that I wouldn’t go public with a guy unless I’m absolutely sure about him. And that could take months. Violated is too strong of a term to use but it’s somewhere along those lines.

He texted around that time, thanking me for that day and asking me for the second date. But I was too shaken by that episode that it took me more than seven hours to text back with “let’s see.” Because the more I think about it, to be honest, the more I didn’t want another.

It’s not actually because of him, per se. He seems nice and was almost “everything” that I wanted, according to a friend. But then I realized that I might actually better off being single because of my personality.

Thinking about it, I didn’t appreciate being told what to do. While I could probably let a guy lead the way for me, I’d still prefer if he actually respects me enough to ask what my opinions were before bullheadedly charging into some decision (ie the restaurant and that social media post). I’d be lucky if I found a person like that in my lifetime. And so I must now work hard to accept this new reality for me. I’ve actually spent the past few weeks trying to avoid romantic comedies and sappy romance dramas because it now irks me.

As for that guy, that was the last time we communicated. I don’t really think I’m going to be the right person for him, considering that I probably come in too strong for anyone. Hehehe. 

Baka sinagot talaga yung dasal ko para sabihing, hindi para sa akin ang pagjojowa. Mukhang yun ang birthday gift sakin. HAHAHA.