Weeks of self-isolation has provided me with a lot of time for introspection. While there are days when the solitude can be too stifling, there are moments in between when it can be liberating. These past few weeks, anxiety has been festering beneath the guise of boredom. However, there will be those rare instances of calm and clarity in between.

 

The proximity and severity of this disease has prompted me to examine my own mortality. I guess almost everyone is fair game in this pandemic. Even though we’re relatively young, that is no guarantee that we will be spared from this catastrophe.

 

I hesitate for a little bit to admit this, but…it disturbs me that I am currently at a high risk of contracting the disease at the peak of my youth, with a lot of unfinished business. I know that there are a lot of things that I should be worrying about: taking care of patients, caring for sick co-healthworkers, dealing with the repercussions of a pandemic in general. But I couldn’t help but entertain this nagging feeling that I might die without even finding the one.

 

At times I feel that I shouldn’t really be entertaining these thoughts as there are really more important things to do right now. But one thing I’ve learned these past few years is that you couldn’t force feelings. All you can do is acknowledge them and then proceed with the more doable tasks at hand. And while I am able to do my best do contribute to the fight against this disease, my downtimes are sometimes spent pondering on this unsolvable problem.

 

The thing about love is that you couldn’t force it. And as a fiercely go-getter person, that leaves me feeling unsettled. Because by now I’m fully aware that no matter the degree of my feelings, or the amount of care or effort I would presume to exert towards another, I shouldn’t expect an equal or an opposite type of reciprocation. Hence, it’s extremely frustrating, especially now that I feel that my time is running out.

 

I used to pray that I may be given someone who will love me completely, despite the odds. Someone whom I will love all the same. But I just realized a few hours ago that I may need to revise that prayer.

 

Because equally important, I guess, is the need for someone to choose us. Love, as a feeling, is important, that’s a given. But to find someone that will choose you, in spite of you…it’s an entirely deeper and more committed action, I guess. A person who chooses you over and over loves you, that’s a given. But he’s also made that active decision to stick with you over and over. Many people can love you, but I think very few will choose you, especially at your worst.

 

So yup…….that will be my new fervent (irrational) wish during this catastrophe….