I’ve reached the point in my life where finding a suitable partner seems to be the most logical next step in cultivating my interpersonal relationships. I’m actually of marrying age and yet, I haven’t even had the fortune/misfortune of delving into an actual relationship with any guy in my 29 years of existence. Sure, there was a hint of an underlying something here and there. But as of present, discussing anything related to the matters of the heart seems to be a daunting and futile prospect that even I sometimes get fed up of thinking about it.

I was raised in a military family with a strict upbringing. As such, the mere scent of an upcoming suitor would have also alerted my parents of the impending danger. If even the smallest hint of a crush wafted through my parents’ (especially my mom’s) nostrils, I wouldn’t have heard the end of it. Plus, spending the prime years of my adolescence in an all girls’ school guaranteed that I wouldn’t be interacting with guys for most of my critical years. The whole setup was successful enough to prevent teenage girls from running off with some random dude and coming back with a baby or two on the way but you have to admit, this didn’t really bode well with my future prospects.

The time I would have spent on dates and soirées were instead spent being voluntarily cooped up in the library, sinking my teeth on as many books as I can read. Harry Potter was such a big thing at that time and Hermione Granger was my hero. I thought that if I locked up myself and read more and more books, I could be more like her. It didn’t really help that due to my very limited experience with guys, I thought she would make a suitable pair with Harry.

And so started all those years being trapped in the internet, reading thousands of Harry Potter fanfiction. Whatever deficit I incurred from not being exposed to any boy my age was supplemented by all these stories of friendship slowly unfurling into romance. And so I seamlessly cultivated this unspoken and unprocessed standard of what I would have wanted in a guy, which was eerily similar to a certain dark haired boy with green eyes and glasses. That wasn’t so bad except that people my age at that time were all about freedom and experimentation yet here I was dreaming about meeting someone who was in it for the long haul.

You could imagine all those years of frustration. Except that I was primed for disappointment, still thanks to all those fanfics I’ve buried myself into. I was ready to wait it out for some guy to come along who was actually worth my time. Surprisingly enough, all that I know about not compromising my standards and for trying to find some guy who will truly love me, I’ve learned through fanfiction–plagiarized tales of alternate reality, concocted by girls my age who yearned for the same things as I did.

I did figure into this long term, one-sided thing with a guy who was MY textbook Harry. And yet, that didn’t pan out even if I tried. It was one of those moments when I seriously thought about what was really wrong about me.

After all these months of getting lost in my own thoughts, I guess I finally figured out that I shouldn’t really focus on thinking about what’s wrong with me and just get a move on with my life. Call me a mystic but I still believe that someone out there is meant for me. I just couldn’t figure out where he is at this point. I thought that maybe, now is still not the right time for us to meet. Maybe I still needed to undergo something or maybe he still needs to settle things within himself before we get to have that chance. And so I’ve finally decided to just go on with my life and hope that we’d meet sooner.

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A friend tried to ask me what my standards were in trying to find a guy.

And I couldn’t seem to put out a proper answer. It’s not as if I haven’t thought about it before but I guess I’ve reached this stage in my life where I’m seeking something that’s beyond intangible. I could tell you that looks isn’t my top priority or that having a sense of humor is definitely a plus. But I reckon that what I’m truly looking for seems to be beyond words at this point in time. Does it sound crazy if I say that I’m looking for someone who’d feel…right?

I guess in some ways, it goes like this: What I’m truly looking for is someone who’s going to be willing to weather it out with me. I’m not really easy to get along with once you truly get to know me. I can be moody and abrasive if I choose to be. Haha. And I can drive anyone crazy with my constant nagging. And I can forcefully have things done my way if I put my mind into it. In short, I’m not exactly the weaker variant of our gender and I’m not your run-off-the-mill trophy wife material. I need someone who will listen to my wants, needs, and weaknesses and walk with me through it. He should be someone who will tell me when I’m being an idiot, too in the same exact way that I’d be that person to him. In short, I guess I needed a person who’d work with me as a team in every sense of the word.

Except that from the looks of it, the future looks bleak. And so I shall try to get a move on with my life and live it the way I want it to. One lesson that I’ve learned these past few years is that you don’t NEED a guy to live. I mean, I survived 29 years of it alone. But if given a choice, I hope I’d be lucky enough to find a guy I’d CHOOSE to be with. Hahaha.