Uploading something that I’ve written a few weeks back. My uncle’s passed on after I wrote this, though. And so this shall serve as a little memoriam.

Today I was reminded of how it is to be on the flip of the patient’s bedside. More than five years of hospital training has effectively shaken off any residual fear or panic of witnessing a patient come in dead on arrival (sobrang dami kong ganto), in respiratory failure, or in some other bad form. I’ve learned to tune out the cries and hysterics and to project an air of composure so that my team and the relatives would take me seriously (except minsan akala nila sinisigawan ko sila pero bingi lang po talaga ako 😅)…allowing me to could focus on the one thing that’s most important—saving their lives.

I was so focused on that singular goal that at times, I forget about other important stuff. At times, when I’m too tired and too maldita, I’d be frustrated about families who just wouldn’t sign the End of Life Care Plan Form, couldn’t settle on any advanced directives, or would simply go the aggressive route despite repeated attempts to make them see that what they wanted to do was an exercise in futility and served to simply “prolong the agony,” so to speak. Heck, I already assured my mom that I already have EOLCP plans in place for her (“Wag ka mag-alala, Ma. Hindi kita papatagalin.” Agree siya dito hahaha) in all its morbid glory.

But seeing all my relatives red-eyed; witnessing my aunt shed broken-hearted tears as her daughter broke news that the love of her life wouldn’t wake up forever, three days post-arrest; and seeing a man, whom I’ve known for years to be active and vibrant, succumb to multiorgan failure, looking exactly like all those patients I’ve cared for detachedly in the ICU less than a year ago, made me take a step back.

I asked my cousin what their plans were on life support, dialysis, and other medications given that they already decided not to rescuscitate. And just like other families before her, she answered that they’d give all and keep him stable for now. I couldn’t help but remember how it was usually during this time that I would feel impatience for the lack of endpoint among these patients. And how I’d feel frustrated about being slow to make people sign EOLCP forms (they usually do in a matter of days, though).

I guess today, I learned to be more patient with my patients and their families. Sana lang next time pagbalik ko sa ospital hindi rin ako kalawit hehe.